5 Conversations Every Couple Should Have Before Marriage
The commitment of marriage is one of the strongest a couple can make to each other. Marriage is not just about a wedding, pretty pictures, matching outfits or waving to your friends on Facebook. Marriage is a lifelong partnership that requires love, understanding, patience, communication, trust and commitment. Most couples spend a large amount of time planning the wedding day but do not spend nearly enough time preparing for their actual marriage.
The most important way to prepare for a marriage is through honest and intentional discussion between the spouses. Oftentimes, discussions that take place before marriage will seem awkward and uncomfortable; however, these discussions are imperative for both spouses to truly know each other. Through these discussions, spouses will learn about one another’s values, expectations, goals, fears, and beliefs that may impact their marriage moving forward.
Many of the issues in marriage occur not because the couple do not love one another, but because they did not discuss important issues with one another before the couple were married. Love itself is often not enough to maintain a marriage, but communication, honesty, and understanding are just as important as love when it comes to having a healthy marriage.
Before you say “I do”, take time to discuss certain subjects that can affect the quality and durability of your marriage. These discussions will help you lessen any possibility of misunderstanding, build a trusting relationship, and help you become realistic about what married life will actually look like.
These are five important conversations every couple should have before marriage:
1. Conversations About Finances and Money Management:
Conversations about money are very important before getting married because disagreements regarding finances are one of the leading causes of conflict for couples. Proper handling of these types of issues can reduce stress, resentment and confusion between partners that may result from financial disagreements; therefore, financial conversations must occur before engaging in marriage as opposed to after marriage has taken place. Couples need to communicate openly regarding their income, how they spend their money, any debts owed or owed to them, how they save for the future and how they want to combine their finances throughout their time as husband and wife.
A few guidelines for couples to discuss these things together include:
- How do you split your bills?
- Will you be sharing an account, or will each partner have their own accounts?
- Will both parties have similar goals for the future?
- Do you both have any debts or loans?
- Is saving for retirement important to you both as a couple?
- What kind of lifestyle do you want to have as a married couple?
Marriage requires teamwork, especially in terms of finances. Having honest conversations about how the finances are managed will help couples to plan for their future wisely. Also, it eradicates any hidden financial secrets that may damage trust later on in the future.
For example, if one partner enjoys spending extravagantly on expensive and luxurious items while the other prefers to live on a budget, manage wisely and not spend money on unnecessary things but carefully on important things, discussing with your partner concerning how money should be spent will help both partners agree on one thing or be ready to compromise.
Couples should also discuss any long-term financial goals together, such as building a new house, starting a business, raising children, and planning for retirement. Being transparent in things that concern money brings trust and helps both partners feel safe with each other.
Instead of being uncomfortable when the topic of money comes up, couples should see it as an opportunity to grow together as a couple and also as an opportunity to build unity among themselves.
2. Conversations About Family and Children
Family and kids are a huge part of marriage. Couples need to have an open dialogue with each other about their perspectives and opinions on children and extended family before they get married.
Couples need to do this so that they can deal with any roadblocks that arise from differences regarding how many children they want (big family, small family, no family at all); what the rules are for the discipline of any future children (strict or soft); if the future kids will be raised in the same religion as the parents; where they will attend school; and what roles they will play in raising the kids.
There’s a lot to be said about parenting, and there are many influences on how each parent chooses to parent. One parent may think that being a strict parent is what is best for their kids, while the other parent may feel that being a gentle parent is the best way to raise a child. So talking about these differences before marriage will help the couple to better understand each other as well as find some common ground between them.
Also, couples need to discuss their relationship with members of their extended family. Having extended family involved in a couple’s marriage can either help to strengthen or cause tension within the couple, depending on how they create and maintain their healthy boundaries.
To help with creating and maintaining healthy boundaries with extended families, here are some questions that couples should work through together:
- How much involvement will in-laws have in this marriage?
- How will we resolve any conflicts we may have with our family?
- In the future, will either of our parents be living with us?
- How often will we visit with family?
When people get married, it is typically not just the joining of two individuals; it can also be viewed as the joining of two families. Thus, the couple needs to learn to manage the relationships of their extended families in a way that protects the couple’s marriage.
3. Communicating and Conflict Resolution
Regardless of the level of commitment, every relationship will experience disagreements. In any given relationship, there are going to be times when two people do not think the same way. The key factor in overall satisfaction with your partner after a disagreement is not whether disagreements occur; it is about how you and your partner handle these disagreements.
Prior to marriage, couples need to discuss their communication styles during difficult times. For example, one person may need to communicate right after the disagreement occurs, while another may need some time and space once the argument has occurred.
Some of the topics you need to discuss with your partner about how to communicate are:
- What are the ways we handle disagreements?
- What are some of the unacceptable behaviours during a disagreement?
- What are our primary ways of showing disappointment or anger to one another?
- How can we communicate when we are stressed?
- Do we feel that it is okay for us to apologize to one another and forgive each other?
In order to develop and maintain healthy conflict resolution skills within your relationship, you will need to demonstrate the following: maturity and patience, respect and control of your emotions. If you are involved in name-calling, giving someone the silent treatment, trying to manipulate someone, or showing disrespect towards one another, your relationship will gradually deteriorate over a prolonged period of time.
Once you are married, you can work together to develop healthy communication behaviours. This will include:
- Active listening
- Respectful speaking
- Accusation-free behaviour
- Truthful expression of emotions
- Solution-focused, not argument-based decision-making.
In order to have a successful marriage, you need to build a solid foundation of communication. If both of you have developed effective communication skills before marriage, you will both be able to deal with difficult things together.
Also, it is very important for couples to discuss how their needs should be met emotionally. When couples learn how to communicate very well and effectively, it helps them to avoid anything that will cause a quarrel. Everyone wants to feel loved, heard, valued and understood. Being able to discuss openly your emotional needs and how they should be met helps strengthen intimacy and connection.
Couples who make communication a priority before marriage often become closer with each other and develop healthier ways to navigate through future challenges.
Emotional availability between partners is another important aspect of communication skills that should be emphasized during the early stages of building a relationship. Most marriages will fail if partners do not feel heard. The ability to communicate during times of stress is important for building a strong, healthy relationship. Many married couples encounter stressful situations such as jobs, finances, children, and other unanticipated issues. Being able to communicate with kindness, love, patience, and understanding when going through stressful situations will help couples to continue working as a team and also love each other more passionately.
Read Also: Boundaries In Relationships
4. Career Objectives and Life Goals Conversations
Important points of discussion between couples in a relationship geared towards marriage include:
- Career Goals and Aspirations
- Education Plans
- Business Objectives
- Work/Life Balance
- Location Preferences
- Lifestyle Expectations
Couples who share similar ideologies in the aforementioned areas will have a better understanding of what they want to achieve with their relationship, will be more focused and have less conflict.
5. Discussions Concerning Values, Faith, and Principles of Life
Mutual values and beliefs are a major contributor to a successful marriage. Even two people who love each other immensely can create extreme challenges to their marriage if they don’t address their opposite core values.
A few of the topics couples should discuss are:
- Religious beliefs
- Moral values
- Personal boundaries
- Cultures
- Life expectations
- Expectations of loyalty/commitment
Some couples may feel that it is extremely important to talk about their faith and spirituality. Religious beliefs may impact how parents raise their children, what type of lifestyle they lead, how they celebrate important events in life and what their daily routine looks like.
Examples of questions couples should discuss:
- How will they spiritually raise their children?
- What type of values will they raise their children with?
Couples who understand one another’s values typically are more prepared to develop unity and mutual respect in their marriage. By understanding one another’s worldview, couples can build a more solid (emotional/spiritual) connection.
Why It Is So Important to Have These Discussions before Getting Married
When entering into a marriage, most couples go in with many assumptions. Often, they will assume their spouse knows what they need, what they are thinking, or how they want things to be done, without ever discussing those topics. Because of this, many couples end up feeling discontented in their marriage based on the fact that they assume their spouse is reading their mind.
By having these types of conversations, couples will identify strengths and weaknesses in the relationship as well as determine overall compatibility and areas that need improvement. They will begin to develop trust, increase emotional intimacy, decrease the number of misunderstandings, establish realistic expectations of each other, and become more prepared to face challenges together. Marriage is not about being perfect; it is about partnership, understanding, teamwork, and growing. If these conversations cause you discomfort, it is ok; however, if you choose to avoid them, you could create much larger issues later. Strong marriages are built on communication, honesty, and mutual respect.
Conclusion
Entering into a marriage is a great adventure. It requires more than just love; it requires planning, maturity, knowledge and intentionality in order to have ongoing discussions regarding any issues which could affect your relationship, such as money matters, family issues, communication styles, career choices and shared values. When you communicate openly, it develops trust, emotional bonds and decreases future misunderstandings. Even though there may never be a perfect relationship, those who communicate about their thoughts and feelings prior to getting married build a solid base for a successful marriage. Therefore, providing them with clarity, assurance and understanding when beginning married life. Ultimately, a successful marriage will require both spouses working together to build something special through love, communication, patience and commitment to one another.
By getting ready ahead of their wedding day, partners may enjoy an enhanced physical and emotional connection with each other, which will aid in creating a more significant and long-lasting commitment that can stand up against any kind of hardship and get even better with time.
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