Red And Green Flags In A Relationship That You Should Notice
The honeymoon phase, also known as the first 3 months of dating, brings excitement and connection while creating a byproduct of getting to know one another. Many times during these months, people will emphasise chemistry, attraction and commonalities as valid indicators of a possible future; however, although all these elements are great, they are not usually reliable indicators as to how the relationship will stand over time. Therefore, it is not enough to consider something as a “green flag” (in a dating context) if you are only studying red flags to avoid getting hurt.
Many people have the misconception that if you can see red flags, then you will be able to avoid heartache by not obtaining an unhealthy relationship, but this may not necessarily be so! If you focus solely on identifying warning signs, then you may miss all the green flags that exist as well. Green flags (in the context of dating) are the ways someone demonstrates respect, emotional maturity, trustworthiness and genuine compatibility on a regular basis over an extended period of time (i.e., more than the first few dates).
In fact, after dating someone for a few months, it should not be about whether they are “perfect” but instead should be a time for you to observe patterns. Creating an excellent first impression over a few dates is relatively easy for anyone, but sustaining kindness, honesty, consistency, and emotional responsibility over the coming months is much more difficult.
The goal of your interactions should not be to hurry into committing or to find faults in a potential partner. The focus should be on gathering information about each other. Each time two people meet, they can learn about one another’s communication style, values, emotional intelligence, ability to resolve conflict, and compatibility for the long term.
In this article, we will identify the most significant red and green flags to look for during the first three months of dating, providing a way to make decisions based on consistent behaviour, rather than emotional responses.
Why The First Three Months Are Important
The first three months of dating reveal whether your chemistry is real or just excitement. This part of the relationship is important because patterns will start to develop. While we all make unique mistakes, if someone keeps repeating the same ones, it’s a clear indicator of how they will act in the future.
You can also ask yourself the following questions:
1. Does their behaviour match their words?
2. After spending time together, do you feel like you were treated with respect?
3. Can you express yourself to them without feeling afraid?
4. Are disagreements handled maturely?
5. Does the relationship give you more peace or more anxiety?
The answer to each of these questions will typically provide you more information about a relationship than any one grand romantic gesture.
Identifying Red Flags
A red flag is a warning sign that is more serious than a different personality or slightly irritating behaviour. A red flag that occurs repeatedly is a pattern of behaviour that could endanger your trust in the relationship, your emotional well-being, your respect for each other, and potentially the long-term nature of the relationship.
Everyone has imperfections that are part of who they are. For instance, if you didn’t get a text back from someone one time or they were late once in a while, that does not immediately indicate a major issue. Red flags represent a repeated pattern of behaviour as opposed to one single event.
Examples of the biggest red flags to look for are the following:
1) Inconsistent actions versus words
Some examples of such behaviour are:
- Make promises that they rarely keep.
- Continue to cancel on you at the last minute.
- Say they care, but demonstrate a lack of effort.
- Making excuses instead of focusing on getting a solution.
When your partner is consistent, you will feel secure. When they are inconsistent, you might feel confusion.
2) Disrespect for Personal Boundaries
Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect for each other. If someone attempts to push you into moving at a speed (emotionally, physically, financially, or socially) that you are not comfortable with, pay attention, as this could be a sign of an unhealthy relationship.
Some ways that boundaries may be violated are:
– You are pressured into being intimate with them when you do not have a desire to do so
– You have requested that they give you physical space, but they refuse to do so
– They become angry with you when you tell them “no”
– They constantly ask you for access to your personal devices or private information.
A respectful partner understands that boundaries serve to strengthen a relationship and not weaken it.
3) The term ‘Love Bombing’
‘Love bombing’ refers to large amounts/oversized displays of affection, gifting, and pressure for an immediate commitment (to someone) in the form of a relationship. Healthy relationships take time to develop and are built on trust and understanding through mutual experiences, not on being overwhelmed with love.
4) Communication Issues
Every couple will have misunderstandings in their relationship. A major communication issue is when one person continually refuses to respect the other. Some behaviours to look out for include:
- Giving the silent treatment
- Avoiding difficult conversations
- Being defensive all the time
- Blaming other people for all the problems
- Refusing to take accountability for one’s actions
Strong communication does not mean you are going to do everything perfectly, but that you have a willingness to communicate.
5) Disrespect For Other People
Pay attention to how your partner treats people they have nothing to gain from; for example, when eating out, how do they treat the restaurant staff? How do they act around their family members, friends and work colleagues? How do they treat customer service agents? Someone who is consistently rude, arrogant and dismissive toward others will probably also exhibit this type of behaviour toward you over time. Being kind should not be based on how much status a person has.
Recognition of Green Flags
In addition to avoiding unwanted, unhealthy relationships, another way to improve your relationships is to look for “green flags” or positive behaviours in your potential partners. A green flag indicates that the partner is emotionally conscious and intelligent, mature, and can stay long in a relationship.
1) Consistency
Consistency is one of the clearest signs that someone is a good partner. Reliable partners will communicate regularly, keep their commitments as best they can, and will consistently act in more or less the same way.
With consistency comes emotional safety. With consistency in the relationship, you won’t have to spend time wondering where you stand with your partner, as they will behave predictably.
2) Effective communication
There are three primary elements to it. One way is to listen very closely to the other person without interrupting them. Two is asking questions of the other person, rather than just making an assumption. The third part of effective communication is to be able to communicate your answers in a calm manner.
Sincerely apologising when you have done something wrong or trying to identify solutions to your problems rather than winning arguments generally helps relationships grow stronger rather than weaker.
3) Acknowledging One Another As Individuals
Healthy partners support one another’s independence by encouraging and helping each other accomplish personal goals.
Support for a partner’s independent pursuits creates a safe environment in which both partners feel secure in their relationship and fosters greater levels of mutual trust between them.
4) Accepting You Are Responsible For Your Emotion
Mature people can recognise how they contributed to any mistakes they made, and this leads to positive change as a result.
The following are examples of how to be personally accountable:
1. Admitting that “I was wrong”
2. Apologising genuinely to those who have been hurt in some way.
3. Changing one’s behaviour based upon helpful feedback.
4. Being able to receive criticism without being defensive.
When you take full responsibility for your own actions, this is one of the best indications of your ability to be emotionally intelligent.
5. Feeling free to always be yourself when with your partner
You can know you are in a healthy relationship when you feel comfortable expressing yourself freely and always feel at ease around your partner.
Do you feel appreciated for who you are? Do you feel like you can say exactly what is on your mind without fear of being put down or embarrassed? If you make a mistake, can you admit it without fear of shame?
When there is emotional safety, both partners can express themselves more fully and grow together as they get to know each other in their true forms.
A relationship that is built on the basis of mutual appreciation and acceptance will usually last longer than a relationship that relies on fear or performance to keep it going.
Red Flags Are Not Final Decisions
One of the worst things you can do in the early stages of dating is to think that having a problem automatically means that your relationship should be finished.
A healthy dating relationship features two people; neither is perfect, and each one has a lot to learn about the other person. Therefore, misunderstandings, different communication styles, and periodically doing things wrong are going to happen if you’re dating someone new. The most important thing is not whether a problem occurs, but how you manage it.
Also, instead of asking, “Is this person perfect?” it’s healthier to ask, “Do I generally feel seen, heard, safe and honoured in their company?” You can usually figure out the answer in time. For instance, a person is nice, generous, cute, or rich should not mean that you lose sight of the fact that the person isn’t respecting your boundaries or making you feel comfortable or safe; all of these positive attributes of the person do not outweigh the negative behaviours of the person.
What Should You Look For In The First 3 Months
Rather than trying to decide whether someone is “the one” during the first three months of dating, use this time to observe the following in your partner:
- Keeping their promises
- Being respectful
- Being kind always and not selfish
- Handling disappointments without getting angry or manipulative
- Taking responsibility for their mistakes
- Making you feel emotionally safe rather than draining your emotions
- Allowing space for the relationship to develop naturally rather than forcing a commitment
- Supporting your independence instead of trying to control it and bringing consistency and security instead of confusion or uncertainty?
These types of observations will give you much better information than any bold statement of love or any large romantic gesture.
Conclusion
In conclusion, it is important to remember that healthy relationships are not defined by the absence of conflict or problems; they are defined by the way two individuals mutually choose to hold themselves accountable and treat one another with honesty, respect and kindness in the face of hardship. If you choose to search for patterns instead of promises, consistency instead of intensity and emotional safety instead of temporary excitement, you will place yourself in a much better position to create healthy, fulfilling relationships that will be enjoyable during the initial phase and continue to be healthy and fulfilling for the long term.