How To Turn The Tables When He Pulls Away- 11 Smart Tips
You started dating a nice guy. You realize he’s someone you would love to continue meeting. You both spent hours laughing, and time had never felt this beautiful before. Everything was sunshine and roses until he became distant, less available, and uninterested.
Did he suddenly stop texting you passionately, making plans, and going on dates with you? His unresponsive and uninterested state is slowly making you lose your mind, and you are left to wonder, “what went wrong?”
You don’t want to nag him, but you also don’t want to hang out in the middle of nowhere—
- Did he lose interest in me?
- Why is he ignoring me?
- What to do when a guy pulls away?
- Is he playing hard to get? Does he want me to chase him?
- Did I do something wrong to piss him off?
- When he pulls away, should I do the same?
- What to text when he pulls away?
- Should I pretend, or should I be honest?
Whether in a situationship or committed relationship, the feelings of ‘fading love’ is very heart-shattering. You truly like this guy— you love talking to him, spending time with him, and cherishing every moment.
The switch in his attitude towards you and the relationship can be numbing because you most probably don’t know the reasons behind his actions.
You don’t know what to do in this situation— to reach out to him or let go of this relationship that you thought was special.
The compulsive thought of texting him constantly and fishing for details behind his actions is enough to make you go crazy!
STOP! Don’t text him until you are thorough with this article. We’ll help you understand—
- Is he pulling away?
- Why did he pull away?
- How to turn the tables when boyfriend pulls away?
How to turn the tables when he pulls away?
Before you go completely hysteric, STOP! You don’t want to lash out at him, especially if the relationship is brand new or still in the situationship phase.
If you want to turn the tables when he pulls away, you must be more mature, understanding, and patient.
Texting him constantly or acting like a cold-hearted person wouldn’t change a thing; in fact, it would worsen your case. You still don’t know the reason behind his actions.
For all we know, he may be dealing with some personal issues you are unaware of! He could also be evaluating his feelings to be sure of the relationship he will be sharing with you in the future.
How to turn the tables when he pulls away? Before you do that,
Is he pulling away— three main signs!
Why do men pull away in a situationship or in a relationship?
Is he pulling away? 5 major signs he’s pulling back from a relationship.
There could be a possibility that you are over-analyzing the situation. If he has clearly stated and communicated his reasons, there’s probably nothing to worry about!
However, your intuitions may be right if he has been mute and unresponsive. Here are 5 signs to look for to know if he is pulling away!
He clearly seems uninterested.
The calls you both shared for hours are now cut short. He doesn’t call or approach you personally. When you do reach out to him, his answers are vague, bland, or heavily distracted.
When on call, he tries to end the conversation asap or is always too busy to talk to you. On texts, his replies and responses are either slow or too late. He replies to you in days, and those replies aren’t interesting either. They are strange or intentionally sent to end the conversation, basically conversation stoppers.
For instance, he would reply with a lame ‘hmm,’ ‘yea,’ ‘okay,’ etc. He never asks you questions or seems interested in keeping the conversation going!
You can feel his disinterest when you meet him in person as well.
Firstly, he has stopped making plans. When you make plans to meet him, he will try to postpone it as much as possible.
When you do meet him, he doesn’t talk to you on a personal level, isn’t interested in knowing the details of your life, and neither does he reveal his own feelings.
He’s either using his phone or distracted by the surroundings. He doesn’t look into your eyes, and everything feels forced!
Lastly, he tries to avoid having serious conversations with you! So, he would try his best to cut the meeting short every single time.
He doesn’t make plans to meet you.
It’s been weeks since he’s made plans with you! Previously, the guy used to love meeting you and was always ready to find new and interesting ways to spend time with you. Now, he barely puts any effort into seeing you.
As said, he either tries to postpone the meeting or acts uninterested when you do meet him. When he makes a plan, they seem forced and boring. He’s never creative with the places he chooses for you.
Before, he was very creative and dedicated while organizing extra special dates. Now, he simply takes you to a casual cafe or some venue that’s convenient.
Additionally, the guy who was always super interested and specific about your cuisine choices simply doesn’t care anymore. This change in his behavior speaks a lot! There can be many reasons why he is acting this way.
He doesn’t put effort into you.
Words are nothing if they aren’t backed by equal actions and efforts. Has he stopped putting effort altogether? Does he offer you the bare minimum or not even that?
Efforts in the relationship speak volumes— it shows how much your partner is willing to have you in his life. It doesn’t matter if the relationship is old or new; without continuous effort, it’s deemed to fail!
What counts as effort in a relationship?
- Paying attention to your needs, emotions, and day-to-day existence.
- Remembering details of your life.
- Taking care of you naturally.
- Continuously trying to make you happy.
- Making sure you enjoy your time with them.
- Understanding your emotions.
If you think your partner has started to care less for you and isn’t as attentive as he used to be, he might be pulling away!
The intimacy is fading.
Your sex life has become dull, boring, or non-existent. He avoids being physical with you. It’s not just sex; your man avoids your touch altogether. He kisses you, hugs you less, and comforts you less.
He tries to stay away from you or use an escape to avoid physical intimacy whatsoever. When he does kiss you back, it’s passionless. He breaks contact or barely responds to your kisses as enthusiastically as he used to.
The same goes for comforting hugs and cuddling. He puts a barrier between the two of you subtly to avoid contact.
Intimacy doesn’t only mean sex; it also includes emotional, intellectual, spiritual, and social intimacy. Your partner stays clear from being emotional with you, i.e., asking about your emotions or sharing his own.
He neither engages in exhilarating debates nor enjoys sharing ideas with you anymore! He barely replies and initiates intellectual or emotional conversation. Socially, you feel alone when you are with him. He doesn’t fight for you or support you in public or private.
He’s seeing other people.
Things become more hectic, chaotic, and challenging when you have just started dating this guy.
You both are in a situationship, and he’s open to dating others. While it’s not wrong to date other people in a situationship, it becomes problematic when he spends more time with others and shows the least interest in you.
He keeps you as an option but isn’t very passionate about trying to continue this situationship into a relationship.
It also indicates that he might have lost interest in you whatsoever while dating other people! In a situationship, it’s necessary to keep your options open and your commitments at bay!
Why do men pull away?
Men pull away for several reasons— they can be personal or somehow related to you! Second-guessing or jumping to conclusions never answers your problems in a relationship/situationship.
You should better have a mature conversation about his silence than second-guess all the possibilities. Naturally, our brains gravitate to the worst possible scenario, which never helps! For all you know, your guy may be scared or dealing with other personal agendas that have nothing to do with you!
He may genuinely be dealing with something personal.
As young adults, millennials, or genZ, we constantly find ourselves in new problems and trauma. Quite frankly, not a single day goes by without facing new trouble. So, there might be a possibility that your boyfriend is going through some personal issues.
It can be his job, family, financial, or other emotional baggage. Some men prefer to sort out their problems by themselves, so they naturally seek space.
Additionally, men often have this ideology that they should be the ones paying for the date and other expenses. So, he avoids dating altogether when he’s going through financial situations.
If space is what he wants, it’s a good thing to provide him what he needs at the moment. Let him know you are here for him but don’t try to fight his battles if he doesn’t want you to!
He has lost interest in you.
This usually happens at the beginning of a situationship. Some men would simply try to ghost instead of being mature about their decision and letting you know. Good riddance! You wouldn’t want to date an immature guy, trust me!
He’s unsure of his feelings.
Again, this happens at the beginning of a relationship when he’s unsure about this situationship. This feeling usually occurs when the relationship/situationship is going too fast or too slow.
The pace of your relationship is very crucial in the initial phase. Too slow or casual will eventually bore you or make you lose interest. Going too fast will scare or burden the other person.
If you think the relationship is going too fast, allow him the space to process his feelings. If you think it was too slow, put effort into making the relationship engaging.
He might also be keeping you as his second option. This is mostly the case when he pulls away but still contacts you.
Different personality and expectations
Perhaps, you both share different personalities that constantly clash, or he might have seen a side of you he isn’t a fan of! It can be anything:
- The way you interact with other men and women.
- Your ideologies and beliefs.
- Your way of being in a relationship
- Your commitment
- The red flags you may carry unintentionally.
It can be a lot of things! People often think, “Opposites attract.” However, in reality, opposites clash a lot, and they might break apart because of that indifference. In reality, people want someone similar to them in all attributes of their existence, be it personality, beliefs, or relationship values.
It’s also possible that you are too bold or too empowering for him. Men with low self-esteem often don’t appreciate or date women with high esteem and power. It scares them and automatically makes them run away.
He’s scared of commitment.
This usually happens when you both have reached a place where commitment becomes an important part of your life. When the relationship becomes old and gold, many fear its future possibility. It’s a new change for them in their life, and it can be very scary.
If your boyfriend’s been with you for a long time and recently started to pull away when you both started sharing a different kind of emotional intimacy, he’s scared.
Being scared doesn’t make him a loser, always remember that! We all fear something. Instead, allow him the space to recollect and evaluate his strong feelings for you! Let him accept that commitment step-by-step instead of absorbing it all at once!
If he comes back, he loves you enough to fight his fears. However, if he doesn’t return, he never was the right choice for you! You deserve a guy who’s just as committed to you as you are to him!
These are all the possibilities of “why men pull away.” However, they remain a possibility. The best way to be sure of his reasoning is to have a mature conversation about it. Don’t force this conversation, of course. Give me the space he needs, and when he’s ready, be mature while conversing with him!
Don’t barge on him with accusations. Be more understanding! If he’s willing to give you an apology and an explanation, his “being away” was just a phase.
How to turn the tables when he pulls away? 10 intelligent steps to take!
“What to do if he pulls away?”
Regardless of the reason, no one should ghost you without reason! However, you don’t want to rush to react, either. You also don’t want to appear too needy or too mean. Still, you want him to chase you, be passionate about you, and be more daring as to not ghost you without giving you an explanation.
“Turning the tables” doesn’t necessarily mean you become manipulative, cunningly toxic, or a gaslighter who plays cheap tactics to get the man back in your life. It will never work in your favor. So, before you consider making your guy jealous by fake dating or being verbally abusive towards him, take a long breath.
That’s not how you turn tables. You turn tables with calmness, smartness, and with class. When a man pulls away from you, barraging him with hundred messages wouldn’t get him back, so what to do and how to turn the tables when he pulls away?
The situation feels helpless, right? You may think there’s nothing you can do to save this dying relationship. You can! Here’s how to turn the tables and make him chase you— 10 intelligent steps to take toward a mature relationship.
1. Keep your mind still.
What to do when he pulls back? First thing first, don’t lose your calm.
There’s a philosophical saying that goes something like this, “The mind is like water. When it’s turbulent, it’s difficult to see. When it is calm, everything becomes clear.”
When a guy pulls away, many emotions and past traumas will surface; it’s inevitable. Initially, there would be confusion and self-doubt, followed by fear, pain, and anger. When you don’t receive closure or an answer, all these emotions can take an uglier route toward anxiety.
This becomes scarier for individuals with an anxious attachment style or people with separation anxiety.
So, before you jump to confusing conclusions, I want you to stop! You don’t know what made him pull away, so you shouldn’t blame yourself!
Keep your mind still and understand why he must have taken this decision. If you think everything was going great until he decided to pull away, don’t blame yourself. There’s nothing to worry about! The more you overthink this situation, the more restless you will become. So, don’t stop your life and fidget with worries that might not even exist.
Instead, give him the space until he’s ready to talk!
2. Reflect inwardly
Understand the relationship you shared with him. Instead of “Why is he pulling away?” focus on “How was I in the relationship, and how can I get better?”
This self-reflection isn’t to blame you; it’s to make you a better girlfriend/partner. We are often ready to judge, sabotage, or blame others to save ourselves from misery. No, this time, reflect inwardly. Ask yourself the following questions:
- “What do I bring to the table as a girlfriend?”
- “Do I have any red flags?” If I do, how can I become more secure?
- “How to become a better girlfriend?”
- “How do I treat my partner?”
This exercise will allow you to refocus your attention on yourself instead of your partner. Why is it better? You can answer your questions, so you wouldn’t constantly be overthinking about his unsaid and unreceived answers.
Secondly, reflecting inwardly will allow you to understand if you were the reason why he pulled away. If you think you were the sweetest and most caring girlfriend towards him, don’t engulf yourself in worries. He’s probably dealing with something personal.
However, suppose you think you weren’t that kind, loving, or understanding towards him. In that case, you should work on yourself to become a better partner.
Many women think others are obliged to love and respect them despite their ugly personalities. A superiority complex wouldn’t get you anywhere! If you think you have provided the bare minimum to your partner, it’s time you become a better girlfriend.
3. Be open to communication.
“When he pulls away, should I ignore him?”
No, that’s stupid! Communication is always the key!
Initially, you wouldn’t know if your man wants space or not. You wouldn’t know if he’s playing hard to get or if he’s mad at you! So, giving him space without knowing if he needs space is also stupid.
What to text when he pulls away? Or, what to say when he pulls away?
Talk to him with maturity. Don’t accuse, blame, or burden him with your baggage. Instead, show a little more concern and understanding.
Here’s a text to send when he pulls away:
“Hey! We haven’t had a good talk for a long time. You seemed very stressed/distracted for the last couple of weeks. Are we on the same grounds? Let’s meet and talk this out?”
Don’t conclude your conversation on the phone call or over text messages. Be more mature and meet him in person! Once you meet him, don’t try to play around the bush. Instead, be direct!
“I’ll be honest with you! I think we have hit a rough patch in this relationship/situationship. We barely talk or enjoy our time together and I don’t think this is my ideal type of relationship. Should I be worried or do you simply need space?”
“What to do when he pulls away but still texts?”
You should be direct! There’s no point diverting the conversation because it wouldn’t help you at all! Just keep in mind to not be judgmental or accusing! A direct and open conversation is something he wouldn’t escape, either.
Depending on his answers, you will understand your next move!
- If he has politely asked for space, be open to giving him space with a smile!
- If you think he wants you to chase him, focus on becoming a better girlfriend. We’ll discuss this ahead of time!
- If you think you have hurt him, it’s best to apologize.
However, if he’s being rude, careless, or nonchalant about this whole situation, dump him. You deserve a better relationship and a better guy than him, anyways!
4. Give him space when he pulls away
If he clearly wants space, you know what to do! He’s probably going through something and might not be comfortable enough to let you know! The best you can do in this situation is to give him space.
You cannot comfort him even if you want, especially if you both recently started dating. Tell him you are there for him but don’t force it on him. We might believe we can help the other person somehow, but sometimes that thought and caring can backfire.
In a situationship, this can give your partner the wrong idea. He may start to think you are nagging or don’t understand how to respect someone’s boundaries. So, don’t cross their boundaries if they have clearly said so!
When he pulls away, let him go and have his own space before coming back to you.
The same goes for long-term relationships, you might think you should always be with your partner to help him with his problems, but that’s not always the case. Whether it’s a long-term relationship or a recent situationship, everyone needs space now and then! You cannot undo all your boyfriends, some he would like to resolve on his own!
So, even if you can help him with something, if he doesn’t want that help, you should respect his decision!
When you are mature about this decision, it will positively impact your partner. He would understand that you are not only a good girlfriend but also a mature person!
5. Apologize where it’s due!
If he has expressed his feelings and is hurt because of your actions or your lack of effort, apologize to him. Instead of feeling personally attacked, understand where he’s coming from!
What’s the purpose of being in a relationship— to love and to be loved! If your partner has been the most loving and caring person towards you, you should reciprocate it. He deserves your love, nurture, and caring, too!
I read this somewhere, “Love your partner the way he understands love, his love language might be different than that of yours.”
We may think we are doing everything correctly in this relationship. However, you both should be on the same page, which is only possible when you communicate your needs.
So, instead of backlashing at your partner when he opens his heart in front of you, try to understand and love him the way he wants to be loved.
6. Don’t chase him when he pulls away!
“When he pulls away, do nothing! Don’t try to pursue him.”
Chasing someone does the opposite of what you intend to do! In fact, ‘chasing’ is always considered a toxic trait and a major red flag. I understand, you badly want to cross-check your partner’s whereabouts and why he’s behaving the way he does!
When things go south, we all want to repair and fix the relationship instantly. However, forcing this recovery will only backfire. Some things only heal and recover with time!
So, don’t chase him when he pulls away!
Chasing and monitoring his life wouldn’t bring you any good. It would further ignite your insecurities and doubts. Instead, believe what your partner has told you and trust him. Sometimes, respecting your partner’s personal space is all it takes to heal the relationship.
You don’t always have to ‘FIX IT.’ Trying to fasten this recovery will increase pressure on your partner, so don’t do it!
7. Don’t blame yourself if you are not to be blamed.
“Blaming ourselves is the easiest and the hardest thing we can do to ourselves.”
People with insecure attachments often self-blame despite being told otherwise. If your partner has clearly stated you are not the reason why he’s being distant, believe him!
As someone with insecure attachment, it can be hard not to blame yourself. Please, consult a professional if you are constantly ridden with insecurities and separation anxiety.
We also often self-blame ourselves when the relationship doesn’t work out. It’s natural because when has overthinking ever left us at bay? However, if you have clearly been the best girlfriend of the year, there’s no point blaming yourself. The guy doesn’t deserve your efforts; you should know better than to waste them on him.
Also, if your boyfriend pulled away because of you, try to become a better girlfriend instead of blaming yourself!
8. Don’t put your life on hold— Understand that your time is precious.
So much overthinking, self-blaming, worrying, doubting, and for what? It only wastes your time, your precious time! It also shows you have no personal life or individuality other than this relationship.
Please, your life shouldn’t only be about this relationship; it should also be about you, your hobbies, your dreams, and your personal fun! So, don’t stop your life or don’t stop enjoying it just because this situationship/relationship has hit a low patch. It will heal with time. Don’t make your relationship the center of your world; it’s clearly not!
A boy shouldn’t take away the fun from your life, and you shouldn’t let it happen, either. So, whether you give him space or move on because it didn’t work out, enjoy your life.
How to make him chase you after he pulls away? It’s simple, don’t ever forget to be yourself.
“Not over analyzing or worrying about this situation is also a quality very much admired in situationships. It shows you are a chill person who doesn’t fixate their life on a single thing.”
What happens when you stop giving him attention? He’d come back!
When your partner notices this behavior, he’d automatically return! An independent person with fun in mind attracts everyone!
9. Check-in with him again.
When you have given him enough time and space, it’s time to approach him again and understand how he would like to move forward.
When a guy pulls away, how long to wait? Or, When a man pulls away, how long does it last? One month is probably enough, but it can extend to 3-4 months. Some men may take years or may never come back.
Suppose you cannot give him more time. In that case, you should move toward a relationship that’s similar to yours. This depends on you and whether you are willing to wait for this guy or not!
You are not obliged to accept all their terms and conditions. No, you should also put forth how you would like to move forward. If he wants this relationship to work out, he would want to understand you, too!
However, if nothing has changed, it’s better to leave and move on! You are not a bad person just because you chose your time and needs over this guy. You are not bad because you didn’t wait; your time is precious, and you deserve a romantic relationship!
10. Be vocal about your needs and boundaries in the relationship.
How to behave when he comes back after pulling away?
Don’t let anyone walk all over your boundaries and needs ever. You are probably still interested in him, but it shouldn’t give him an upper hand in the relationship. So, be vocal about what’s right and not alright with you!
- Let him know you don’t like being ghosted without a valid reason.
- Let him know your time is precious; you would want him to respect that!
Don’t allow him to walk in and out of your life as he pleases; it’s very disrespectful! If he was wrong, he should apologize and explain himself first. Trying to return to the relationship without an explanation isn’t very mature and gentleman-ish.
If he wasn’t in the wrong and was dealing with something personal, he should at least be vocal about it! Of course, he doesn’t have to disclose his problems to you, but it shouldn’t make you worry about his problems.
“I’m sorry for worrying you! I really do love spending time with you. I was dealing with some personal matters, I hope you are not taking it the wrong way! I would love to make it up to you!”
Now, it doesn’t seem difficult, does it! It shows the decency of the man you are dating. It shows that he understands and values your time and feelings.
Girls don’t settle down for boys who never explain their absentees and walk back into your life with a simple “let’s hang out!” like they are the Kings of your life.
They are not! In fact, their lack of explanation shows how immature, careless, and ignorant they are. It shows how they don’t care or value your time and presence.
11. Move on if the pattern follows.
“Leave him alone when he pulls away repeatedly.”
Ghosting isn’t very desirable in a relationship. It confuses you, worries you, and shatters your heart. It’s worse when they come back and pretend like nothing happened.
If you realize this guy is not worth it, it’s time you break up with him and find someone who values your time and presence and respects your decisions.
You are too precious to hang on to a guy who doesn’t deserve you. If so, I want you to appreciate yourself a little more! You are so much more, and nobody should make you feel less significant, including yourself.
Anyone would be lucky to have you, always remember that!
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