Why does my husband yell at me?
There’s nothing more upsetting than getting yelled at by your partner when all you’re trying to do is take care of your family! It feels threatening, unappreciative, and disrespected to go along when your husband has anger issues, where he regularly lashes out at you.
Numerous women worldwide live with an angry spouse and still overlook their mental health to keep their family together. If you’re one of those amazing women and feel like “my husband yells at me irrelevantly,” this article is for you!
We’ll help you gain clarity on whether your angry husband’s behavior is something that can be fixed or whether it is time to walk out of his life.
My husband yells at me—Is it normal?
Last year, my friend Katherine and I went to the Bahamas on a couple-friendly trip with our husbands. We booked a villa collectively and stayed there together for five days.
However, I noticed that Katherine looked more upset than happy when we were on that trip. I wanted to figure out what was wrong with my friend and decided to lurk around their room frequently.
What I found was disheartening—her husband kept fighting with her on basic stuff. He screamed at her and said all sorts of hurtful things, even when she tried her best to resolve conflicts.
“Damn it, you dumb woman?! You left the shower running in the bathroom, and now all the hot water has drained. How am I supposed to take a shower now?”
I thought, jeez, he could have just turned on the geyser and waited a while. I wanted to fight for my friend, but I couldn’t meddle in their personal issues. And neither did she tell me, “my husband is yelling at me.”
Over the next few days, I noticed her husband’s rude and mean behavior several times. Every time he yelled at her badly, it was because of something minimal, something so tiny that it didn’t even require an argument.
But he kept screaming at her like a madman, and she faced it all without speaking for herself. He even talked rudely to her in front of us, and her response was, “Sorry, my husband yells at me sometimes.”
I was surprised to see how easily she brushed off her husband’s evil behavior just like that. Even more, she continued to say, “I know, my husband is always angry and rude to me. I think it’s my fault I can’t talk to my husband without him getting angry. And really, it only happens because when I do something dumb, or make a mistake. I think it’s okay when a man yells at you, occasionally.”
As a wife myself, I got so furious after hearing this. I mean, no. No, it is not okay to be yelled at by your husband, even if you make mistakes. In fact, it’s not okay to have a yelling husband as your life partner because that’d simply make you go crazy in the long run.
Just like Katherine, if you’re one of the many wives out there who feel, “my husband yells at me,” you need to understand this:
- You are not alone.
- You deserve to speak up against your husband’s anger issues.
- Yelling or raising voice is not an effective method of communication between partners.
- Your husband’s behavior may be considered domestic abuse.
- This toxic communication can—and must—change.
Why is my husband yelling at me all the time?
Yelling or screaming is a verbally hostile way of expressing yourself. It happens mostly when a person is talking while in distress or frustration.
However, getting yelled at by your spouse mustn’t be considered normal in a marriage. While shouting at your partner isn’t the correct communication method, it still sends a message.
Most times, this message rarely conveys your true feelings. Instead, it only overpowers the words that are being used while yelling. Generally, the message behind a person’s screams means:
- I am upset.
- I am angry and frustrated.
- I need your attention.
- My self-control is starting to break down.
- I am emotional.
No matter the message behind it, yelling at your spouse can never be considered a standard way to discuss things. And the best way to stop this toxic behavior is by understanding why it starts in the first place.
Why is your husband always angry?
When a person is stressed, they go through many things inside their head. Indeed, stress symptoms can drastically affect your thoughts, feelings, communication, and behavior.
When under external pressure, the human body releases hormones, including adrenaline, noradrenaline, and cortisol. These hormones are responsible for making you feel frustrated and angry and may make a man with anger issues a walking fireball.
In such cases, husbands yell at their wives to release any built-up stress.
2. Dissatisfaction with themselves
When a man feels like he has failed in life or he doesn’t respect himself, it can start building up frustration within him. Later, this frustration starts being expressed on the people he loves via screaming.
If you feel like “he yells at me for no reason,” it may be because he’s dissatisfied with himself.
3. Short temper
This is one of the most common reasons your husband is always angry. He may simply have a short temper.
Temper issues arise from anxiety and stress and may sometimes be due to genetics. If your husband has a short temper, you must help him find ways to manage it.
He may stop yelling at you when he can better manage his anger.
Angry men, who are going through depression, often lash out at their families. They shout at their wives and children, something that adds up to being more depressed later onwards.
If you feel like, “my husband keeps yelling at me,” it may be a sign he’s depressed. Ask him to try therapy—it will help him change his behavior towards his triggers and manage anger in calmer ways when it comes up.
The kind of man he grows up to largely depends on how he was raised. What children observe while growing up is what their brain accepts as normal unless someone else rectifies them.
If you feel like “my husband has rage attacks,” it may be because he was brought up in this type of communication. Your husband’s dad may also have yelled at his wives and children, which resulted in your husband learning the same.
These are some of the most common reasons your angry husband yells at you. However, is it normal for my husband to yell at me in any circumstances? No, it is not.
No matter what your husband is going through, he shouldn’t have the authority to take it out on you. And you shouldn’t allow him to treat you in any disrespectful manner!
You may ask, “what do I do when my husband yells at me?” Let’s talk about it in the next part of the article.
What to do if my husband yells at me—13 Strong Actions!
Dealing with a partner with anger issues is nothing less than walking around eggshells. You live in fear when he might lash out and make your life a miserable disaster.
It creates an unsafe environment of anxiety, insecurity, and fear for yourself and your children (if you have any). You keep thinking:
- “My husband is always annoyed with me.”
- “My husband is always disappointed in me.”
- “My husband is always negative towards me.”
These thoughts make it impossible for you to create a fulfilling and happy life for your family. And truthfully, you really will never create a happy family where the spouses keep yelling at each other.
So, how to deal with yelling spouse?
Whether you can solve the “my husband shouts at me” problem depends on the severity of the root cause. In many cases, usual yelling may have already turned into domestic abuse, which can’t be solved so easily.
However, if you feel you can stop your angry spouse, keep the below-mentioned tips in mind.
Here are 13 decisive actions to take when you feel like “my husband is always angry.”
1. Have a casual discussion about communication skills
If you wish to stop your husband from yelling all the time, you need to examine his thoughts on healthy communication!
You can do this by having a casual conversation with him when he’s in a good mood. Ask him how he feels about his way of talking to you and if he would ever change anything about it.
Find out what, according to him, is the correct way of talking things through amidst intense emotions. This way, you’ll better understand what goes around his mind when he’s yelling at you.
You may find that he screams at you angrily while not wanting to do it. Or he may believe that raising his voice is a better way to make you listen to him. No matter what, a light conversation about your talking behaviors might help you have a much better grasp of your situation.
It would help if you saw how he feels about communicating and then figured out a way to teach him calmer ways of interacting.
2. Try to identify why he is yelling
Once you have a good conversation flowing with him, the next step is to determine the reasons behind his yelling!
“Maybe my husband yells at me when I make a mistake.” Anyway, it’s not your part to imagine why he yells at you. Let him speak about his own behavior.
To go about it, tell him that you love him a lot and want to help with his anger issues. Tell him you want to understand how he feels deep inside when he’s boiling up on the surface.
Make it clear that you can’t help him until you know what causes him to yell around. And if he keeps coming at you with this toxic behavior, there won’t be a relationship left to save.
Ask him to answer these questions with honesty:
- “How do you feel when you raise your voice at me?”
- “What makes you feel frustrated? Why do you scream?”
- “How does it feel to be boiled up and what emotions are behind it?”
- “Why is my husband so angry?”
You must convey to your partner that his rude behavior is causing problems in the relationship, but you want to solve them together. Such problems only end when both partners identify, understand, and handle the conflict!
He may feel offended by these questions and put up a defensive wall. But you still have to get answers somehow, or it’s only a matter of time before your marriage fails.
3. Accepting the problems
In case he actually talks about his problems, you must listen to him with an open mind and perceive everything from his point of view.
For instance, he might say that he feels triggered when you keep talking back in minor arguments. Maybe he hates a specific habit of yours, and it triggers him massively every time.
If he talks about why he yells so much, you must avoid getting offended by how he feels and start arguing back again. Instead, listen to him attentively while offering comforting gestures. This will motivate him to talk more about his deepest emotions, internal struggles, fears, insecurities, and anger.
Try to understand what your husband is saying without getting defensive about anything! Let him cry his sorrows out.
4. Don’t take his behavior personally
If a person yells at you, you can only figure out that their anger is directed at you. But you may only learn the reason behind it once you’re open to it.
So when you’re wondering, “my husband swears at me when we fight,” you must never forget that his anger may not necessarily be about you!
Maybe he’s having a rough day or received bad news today. Perhaps, he is angry about something entirely different, like his job, finances, or a strict boss.
Again, his violent behavior can be a reflection of what is bugging him inside. Try not to take anything personally when he’s yelling out of anger.
Any of the above cases don’t make his yelling any less hurtful. However, you may worsen the situation even more if you shout back at him without thinking. So try to neglect his words when he’s screaming out of rage and talk to him after he has cooled down.
While this may be difficult to go through, it is one way of dealing with a person who has anger issues.
5. Tell him he is seen, heard, and loved
“What do I do if my husband yells at me?” This is a question many wives ask themselves when they feel, “why is my husband always angry?”
Well, an angry spouse doesn’t always mean a hopeless life partner. You can help him work through his anger issues by doing what you’re best at—loving him!
Of course, it will take a lot of energy and sacrifices, but that’s why you became husband and wife. It’s your responsibility to take care of each other in joy and sickness.
Show caring and romantic attributes for your husband. Cook his favorite meal, take him out on a date, compliment him and shower him with loving words of affirmation.
Tell him that,
- you see what he does for this family,
- you can hear his unsaid emotions and feelings,
- and you love him the way he is.
6. Avoid triggers
When you live with a person with anger issues, it doesn’t take long to realize what certain things trigger their anger!
So if you know exactly what makes your spouse heat up with rage, try to keep it on the low. For instance, if arguing makes him boil, try to leave the conflicting conversations and restart them at another time.
There will indeed be circumstances where you’d need to discuss those things. But as long as you can stall them when he’s angry, you’ll figure out a way to prevent his explosive behavior.
7. Communicate your needs calmly while also being assertive!
It is crucial to communicate your needs and wants in a relationship and even more in a marriage. If your needs and wants do not parallel your husband’s, your marriage will fail.
Yes, it is vital to understand your husband’s explosive behavior and help him make corrections in himself. However, you also need to convey what you want and need from him if you want to make this connection successful.
When talking about your needs, try to remain calm and assertive.
If it makes your husband angry, explain that you need him to hear you calmly and attentively. Just like you have patience when dealing with him, you also deserve the same effort!
8. Make him realize it’s affecting your kids
An angry spouse doesn’t only ruin their connection with their partner but also predominantly affects their children’s lives.
When kids grow up in a violent environment, there are many things about life they don’t learn the right way. On the contrary, they observe their parents’ behaviors and shape their lives accordingly.
Ironically, the children grow up learning the same behavior, and their future starts to resonate with their parents’ lives.
So try and explain to your husband that his violent behavior is drastically affecting his own childrens’ lives. When kids grow up in a traumatizing environment:
- It leaves them with haunted memories.
- It stunts their brain development and growth.
- They have trouble sleeping at night.
- It sometimes even leads to depression.
- It makes them acquire some toxic personality traits.
- It makes them insecure and underconfident.
Children face several more issues in the long run when they belong to an unhealthy upbringing. So it makes sense to explain to your husband why his violent behavior is unhealthy for his children!
9. Try to be patient with him
When you’re helping your husband deal with his anger issues, it is essential for you to be patient.
Not only will this require a lot of tolerance and understanding, but it may also drain you sometimes. However, you’ll have to fight together if you love your husband and want to make it through with him.
Dissolving a violent behavior pattern will take a lot of work and will surely never happen overnight. All you can do is try and appreciate the little change you see him.
Tell him you appreciate him for trying and acknowledge his efforts. Your support will be enough to motivate him to improvise his habits for the sake of this marriage and family.
10. Have cooling-off periods
When you feel like your husband loses temper over little things and is still not ready to calm down, leave him alone temporarily.
The situation will only worsen if you continue to counterattack him when he’s yelling at you. It will keep ruining for so long that you won’t be able to fix it if it gets out of hand.
Are you wondering, “why is my husband angry all the time” and “what to do if my husband is yelling at me?” Take time away from him to cool off. You can call these circumstances cooling-off periods.
Time away from your angry spouse will help you prevent getting hurt and also stop him from using mean words against you.
11. Set ground rules for how you’ll handle arguments
One way or another, you’ll get tired of dealing with your husband’s violent behavior soon. So it’s better to set some ground rules and boundaries for arguments!
Sit and discuss with your husband what rules you both must follow when getting into a heated argument. For instance, you can straight-up tell him you’ll leave the room if he ever raises his voice at you.
Or tell him you’d leave home and stay at a friend’s if he gets drunk and shouts at you for nothing. You can’t obviously keep your child observing his drunk dad’s toxic behavior.
No matter what, you MUST stick to these ground rules and boundaries. If you don’t, he’d think that you’re bluffing and will continue to get his way by screaming and shouting.
On the other hand, if you really distance yourself from him when he’s being a toxic partner, he may eventually fix his behavior.
12. Encourage him to go to therapy
Yelling at someone can affect them in many ways, causing mental trauma, emotional hurt, and stress. Even more, it also negatively affects the yeller since they are not handling their emotions correctly.
If you feel like “my husband shouts at me for nothing” or “my husband screams at me on little things,” he needs to go to therapy.
Professional therapists can help people with anger issues recognize and avoid the triggers that cause rage attacks. They can also teach him the necessary skills to manage his overwhelming emotions.
Sometimes a person becomes angry by nature when they have underlying bad memories and trauma. A therapist may help him figure out and accept such issues contributing to the distress.
So if you feel like “my husband has anger issues,” the best way to fix them is by trying therapy. You can join him to offer him a sense of support and care!
13. Take a break from each other
There’s only little you can do for your husband to help him with his anger issues. However, nothing would change if he didn’t feel like he required a change.
No matter what you say or try, he will still be the same person if he doesn’t see the negatives in his behavior. Perhaps, he feels like his behavior is okay, and it’s you who is the problem. Then, you can’t save this person!
If it’s been a long time you’re feeling like, “my husband snaps at me without any reason,” it’s time to walk out, girl. Maybe not forever, but you deserve to take a break from a person like this.
Who knows? He may learn about his wrong doings by all this space and time. Or you may learn a better way to deal with his anger issues! In any case, taking a break is crucial in such scenarios.
Is yelling in a relationship abuse?
Yelling can sometimes be a part of healthy communication because arguments help you learn how to communicate with each other. However, it becomes abuse when tied with negative criticism, defensiveness, and contempt.
Is yelling at your spouse abuse?
To explain it in simple words, yelling is abuse when you feel these emotions—
a) I am afraid of my husband’s anger
No wife should be afraid of her own man. A husband’s responsibility is to make his family feel safe around him and because of him.
However, if he’s the reason why you fear for yourself and your children, you’re going through domestic abuse. You should go to a therapist to talk about it or at least inform your own family.
b) My husband blames me for his anger outbursts
If your husband has anger issues, he must focus on getting to the depth of them and improving himself for the sake of his family.
However, he’s constantly blaming you for his own toxic behavior instead. If he is trying to make you guilty for the way he behaves, it’s domestic abuse.
He’s trying to gaslight you into believing that his explosive behavior is all your fault. This is emotional abuse, and you must distance yourself from him for the time being.
c) My husband talks down to me
You’re going through emotional abuse if your husband regularly talks down to you. He makes you feel inferior and says mean things to put you on a degraded level!
d) My husband calls me names in front of my child
It is verbally abusive behavior if your husband is degrading you by calling you names in front of your child. He’s trying to manipulate and control what you think and how you feel about yourself.
Name-calling, that too in front of kids, can utterly destroy a relationship. It’s not only emotional and verbal abuse but also threatens your children’s delicate future.
e) My husband is a nasty person
When your husband is rude, mean, disrespectful, and even violent, it’s only natural to feel, “my husband is a nasty person.”
Living with him, you have realized what kind of a person he is and whether or not you should stay with him any longer. Again, this is a domestic abuse case; if your husband really has an ugly personality, detach yourself from him.
A failed marriage with the wrong person is better than a successful marriage with an abuser! Leave him.
f) My husband mocks me when I cry
If your husband mocks you when you’re feeling your lowest, you need to understand that he’s a manipulator, and you’ll only get emotional abuse out of him.
This person doesn’t love you whatsoever, and love is a dream in this case. He doesn’t respect you or even care about you.
If you don’t leave him now, this can escalate into physical abuse because he clearly likes seeing you cry. Find a good counselor and learn about the reasons why you need to leave your husband now!
g) My husband scolds me in front of others
Does your husband scold you in front of a bunch of strangers, and sometimes even in front of your close ones? Well, he’s doing so to make you inferior in front of others.
If you fear that “my husband yells at me in public,” it’s because he’s trying to show that he dominates and intentionally puts you down. Trust me; you don’t deserve to be with someone like this.
h) My husband gets angry if I disagree with him
When you get married to the person you love, you form a team with them. A team that would go hand-in-hand through this eternal journey of life.
However, if you feel like “my husband gets angry if I disagree with him,” it indicates he’s a sexist /misogynist and a real symptom of insecurity.
If you feel all these traits are true for your husband, you can’t avoid the fact that he’s an abuser. He’s abusing you mentally, and you don’t deserve to be his wife for even an extra second,
Maybe he shows only a few of these traits, and that too very less frequently. In such a case, you may try to help him get a way out of his anger issues by going to therapy together.
But if he chooses not to go to therapy or a counselor, you can’t help him. He has decided to stay the kind of toxic man he is, and if you stay by his side, you may also go through a lot of toxicity.
FAQs—My husband yells at me
If you feel like “my husband yells at me,” there can be a lot of questions floating around your mind. And we know precisely what they are.
So here are some frequently asked questions wives have when their husband yells around like a psycho:
Is yelling at your wife domestic violence?
Yes, many experts call yelling at wife a form of domestic abuse. It could be counted as either verbal abuse or emotional abuse, or both.
What to do when your husband calls you names?
You need to sit down with your spouse and talk calmly about it. Tell him it hurts when he name-calls you, and you can figure out a way to stop it together.
If you really want to stop name-calling each other, try looking inside yourselves and observe the unmet needs causing you to lash out in frustration. Sometimes, spouses only yell at each other because they feel unsatisfied in a relationship deep inside.
When you realize what is lacking in your connection, and what needs and wants require to be fulfilled, then only will verbal abuse end. Communicating what you want and need is crucial to ending verbal abuse.
Can I record my husband yelling at me?
No, and yes.
No, because in some jurisdictions, recording someone without their consent is illegal. So if your husband finds recordings of himself on your phone or computer, it may become a liability.
Yes, if you can do it sneakily. If you have recorded him, make a new email address and transfer all proof of domestic abuse to it. Do not keep anything on your phone or laptop.
This way, your evidence is safe and accessible from anywhere at all! If you cannot fix your husband’s issues and things turn out ugly, you can use this evidence to escape him!
If you feel like “my husband yells at me,” there can be many ways to fix it. Sometimes, the yelling is minor, so just applying my tips will help you fix his anger issues.
However, if his violent behavior has turned into domestic abuse or even physical torture, you must get out of that marriage.
It’s not your responsibility to fix his evil nature, even if you’re his wife. Save yourself from such a person!
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